The Show.

Dear Sportscenter,

It's not me, it's you. I'm a good sports fan and I don't ask for much. I only ask for a few things when I turn to you in the morning while I eat my breakfast: 1) highlights, 2) scores, 3) news, and 4) a top 10 list of some sort. While I must admit that you reliably provide these things to me day in and day out, you've recently picked up some rather troubling habits that are slowly tearing us apart. At first I thought these things were minor phases that would fade with time as long as I remained patient and gave you some space, however, with my patience only came more frustration as you not only refused to change back to the way you were, but even proceeded to grow into something I can barely even recognize anymore.

You've changed, Sportscenter, and not for the better. I don't enjoy your company like I used to and I can hardly stand it anymore. I know we've had this conversation before, but you refuse to even acknowledge my claims, so maybe I should just spell them out for you.

Priorities - Sportscenter, you are WAY too into some sports. Like, if football were a girl, you'd be totally smothering her. You'd be giving her way too much attention and she'd be sick of you by now. It'd be like you taking her on a date, holding her hand the ENTIRE time, texting her non-stop even though she'd be right next to you, all while whispering sweet nothings in her ear - all night. Meanwhile hockey would be observing from a distance, bitter at the lack of attention you give her. "Football doesn't even like Sportscenter" says hockey, "and Sportscenter is like, wayyyy too into football." And don't even get me going on March Madness - you'd be talking to her on the phone till 4 in the morning every night in like October, when she shouldn't even be in the picture!

Sometimes, don't you think it'd be better to just play the field? I mean, there's no need to be in a committed relationship. There's plenty of time for that down the road. Instead, why not have a little of this and a little of that. I guarantee you'll learn to love all your options. Plus, is something happens to go wrong with one of your options (cough lockout cough) you'll have others to turn to.

Over-Analyzation - We get it, Sportscenter, you know a lot about sports. Congratulations. But is it necessary to flaunt it and rub it in my face every morning? As I stated before, I only ask for a few things from you, but a film session is not one of those things. Watching you on a Monday morning during football season is like walking into an NFL training camp. For some reason you find it urgent to explain to me the defensive schemes of the Jacksonville Jaguars, and why they need to blitz more if they want to beat the Broncos next week. You find it urgent for me to religiously keep up with the ever-changing mock drafts that Mel Kiper and Todd McShay constantly drool and bicker over, as if I really care about who the Miami Dolphins are going to pick in the 4th round. Wait, you say it's important for me to learn about a basketball team's zone defense because it could lead to fewer points in the paint for their opposition? No, for a normal sports fan, like myself, that is not important. What is important to me, however, as I'm half awake eating my Coco Puffs in the morning, is seeing every single one of Blake Griffin's dunks over and over again. That's pretty much all I care about. And when I talk to my friends about the previous night's games, I usually don't say, "hey, did you guys see the way the Clippers utilized the trap last night to cause the Grizzlies to turn the ball over excessively, thus allowing Blake Griffin to become isolated leading to some easy buckets?" No. It's more like, "YO MAN BLAKE GRIFFIN IS SOOOOOO SICKKKKK DUUUUUUDE OMGGGGGG!!!!!!" That's about as in-depth and analytical as I like to get, so with that being said let's just tone down the intellect a bit, put the text books away and just watch sports.

Jon Gruden's QB Camp - First of all, WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY!? And why is he joining me at breakfast!? I don't like Jon Gruden - he is scary looking and annoying, and on top of that he's trying to teach me how to be a professional quarterback. Sportscenter, you know I'm not trying to become a professional quarterback, and neither are 98% of the people watching you every morning - we gave up that dream a long time ago. However, I feel as if I'm being assaulted every morning with information about defensive schemes, wide receiver routes, throwing techniques, and blitz reads, among other things. These things are not important to me, especially in the morning. At first I didn't say anything because I thought it was just a phase, but it has escalated to the point that I literally pray, every night before going to bed, that an NFL team will hire Jon Gruden so I don't have to analyze three-step drop's with him over breakfast. Is what he does useful for quarterbacks? Absolutely. I, on the other hand, gain nothing from it. In fact, even if I wanted to learn something from Jon Gruden - which I DON'T - I would have a very hard time paying attention to what he's saying because looking at him makes me cower in fear.

Stupid Stats - Listen, just because a stat is a stat doesn't mean it's important or worthy of being mentioned. Knowing that teams who have been down 2-1 in a playoff series have won 43% of game 4's after losing game 3 if said game 4's fall on a weekday as opposed to only 27% of game 4's on a weekend does not really fall under the category of useful knowledge worth knowing (note: the previous stat was completely made up, however if I hadn't told you that you probably would've thought it came directly from Sportscenter.) Meaningless stats are very frustrating because, more times than not, they're complicated and they make me think hard, and by the time I actually figure out the stat I realize it was not at all worth thinking about because it is completely irrelevant. Perhaps we should go over an actual stat Sportscenter might use, to the surprise of none. Let's say the Oklahoma City Thunder were playing, and Sportscenter wanted to talk about how clutch Russell Westbrook is. They just might tell us this: in clutch situations this season, which are defined as being in the last 5 minutes of a 4th quarter or overtime where neither team is up by more than 5 points, 75% of Westbrook's shot selection's are jump shots, and of those jump shots, 14% are assisted and 6% are blocked. And, from this hardcore analyzation, Sportscenter would then be able to deduce and confidently proclaim to all us sports fans that: if the Thunder encounter a clutch situation and Russell Westbrook is to take a shot, the shot will most likely be a jump shot that may be assisted and will probably not be blocked. AWESOME STUFF SPORTSCENTER!!! (The previous stats were actual facts that I'm ashamed for having looked up.)

Sincerely,

Your Long Lost Love